I deleted social media…
It’s been less than 3 weeks since I made the decision to take a step back from social media-which for me is instagram as I really don’t use Facebook or anything else. I had to look up when I went off of it for this blog, because it feels like it was SO long ago, but in fact, it’s hardly been anytime at all and yet the shift that has happened for me feels so big.
My number one hesitation and concern about stepping off of social media was that I knew my business would take a hit. I wouldn’t get new clients, I wouldn’t get team members, and my current clients would easily forget about me and the products they love.
Has this already proven to be true? For the most part: yes.
Is this hiatus worth that hit? Hell yes.
Why?
I couldn’t stop feeling inadequate in every sphere of my life, and it sucked.
Doesn’t matter how old your kids are, every mom I know cycles through feeling like a failure-from being incapable of returning a simple text for literally months at a time, to trying to comprehend what our value is when there isn’t a paycheck that is given for raising your own kids…and that feeling of failure that comes up again and again has been a constant struggle mother’s have dealt with for basically all eternity.
For me: I really just found myself mindlessly scrolling, and in that scroll there were comparisons that threw even more “you suck” on top of that narrative I already had running in my brain. I’ve been very open about the fact that my husband is the greatest gift to the universe ever (aside from my son duhhh): he works 14hr days, works 7 days a week, is up before the sun to throw steel (hence his always extremely hot body), and then still proceeds to do all the laundry, keep the house clean, deal with our dog, and cook. AND: he doesn’t moan or complain about it at all. He just started doing more and more as my pregnancy progressed. It’s beyond amazing having such a supportive and involved partner…but it made me feel awful. “All I do,” I’d think to myself “is take care of Luke.” And as I’d say “All I do,” to myself I also understood THAT IS A LOT, I educate/care for/nourish/engage our son 24/7, (because he’s up all night too) BUT we still have yet to value mother’s and our roles properly in our society, so to me-the fact that my paychecks aren’t what they used to be, and I don’t get one for being a mom, AND the breadwinner of the household was also keeping the house clean really made me feel bad. THEN as I’d scroll, I’d see other mom’s in my business with thriving, going out without their baby, doing their hair and make up, traveling and keeping their house clean and cooking… and I’d be sitting there in my Cosabella jammies haven’t not showered in 48hours and I felt STUCK.
Really that’s what it did: it made me feel stuck. It didn’t make me feel good to see the hundreds of people that would watch my stories, many of whom are friends of mine in the real world, and them not engage/respond/reach out. I remember once I was in car accident and I shared it…over 150 people saw that story-more than half of those people are personal friends and coworkers, and not ONE person asked me if I was okay. That put me in a spiral of shock, anger, sadness and ultimately self-doubt of my worth to people. And that’s what it was like for me everyday I reached out and shared my life over social media. I even started looking at more certifications I could earn, more programs I could enroll in, because maybe I thought, just maybe if I added even more initials after my name people would engage with me, would feel as if the knowledge I was sharing was of value to them. And then one day my tired mama heart yelled STOP.
STOP STOP STOP!
Doing my hair, wearing make up, spending more money to earn more certifications isn’t going to change HOW I FEEL about myself: because at the end of the day, how I feel about myself and value to the world, has NOTHING to do with whether my followers actively engage with me or not.
Here’s a possibly controversial thing I have to say: If you find yourself ever feeling “triggered” by something, that’s ON YOU. Don’t go lashing out at the company/post/person/etc that “triggered you,” or “participated in the narrative that…” because all you’re doing is releasing the power you have over your own life, and encouraging others to stop taking accountability for themselves. Unless you are specifically called out by name and or photo: whatever it is that is coming up for you is not on them, it has everything to do with you and the fact that you need to deal with your issues.
So guess what? I decided to deal with my issues. Instead of making some fuss about Instagram needing to change or be shut down or calling out/DMing the accounts that I found myself comparing myself to, I decided actively work on myself and see if stepping away from Instagram would help in that journey.
Well: less than 3 days later my husband was jokingly asking if I was having an affair and was feeling guilty because I had been making meals, doing laundry, cleaning the house, and still fully caring for Luke without the usual exhausted moans I have throughout the day. I felt inspired, activated, and more joyful. Did anything else in my life change? Nope. And as those three days have now turned into almost three weeks: I have built blog entries I feel passionate about and proud of, connected with some of my IG mom fiends in real life instead, read an entire book about organization and have slowly started to move through our home and remove what no longer serves us and organize what does. I’ve become thrilled for our future. I feel worthy, valuable, energized, and grounded. I get changed out of my jammies by Luke’s first nap. I brush my hair. I get a shower in if not daily then every 2 days for sure. I take Dusty out. I participate in my home, my family, and my marriage in the way I felt I was too drained, discouraged, and distracted to do before.
It’s been really refreshing to not just word vomit the play by play of my days to the void that is instagram stories. The people that matter to me, know what’s up in my life, and I love that. I’ve been reclaiming my health and my relationship with myself in a really fantastic way.
Will I ever come back to social media? Yes of course, but not until I really feel settled. Until then, I’m using the app Later to auto schedule posts starting next week. Adding to my blog regularly-and even auto scheduling this post (so full transparency I’m writing this on 5/7 but having it posted 5/14 MAGIC!). And because we have so many left overs from the last two days, instead of go cook…I am about to go clean out a kitchen drawer The Home Edit style. (that’s the book I ordered and read through…books, magazines…I’ve been reading things NOT on a screen!)