My Journey with Breastfeeding...so far.

I knew breastfeeding, and motherhood, would be hard…but I didn’t think it would be THIS hard.

I have a birth story blog and podcast episode coming so I won’t be getting into all of that. However, our journey with breastfeeding does have to start at the moment my son was born, because after I gave birth to him, he was NOT given to me for skin to skin. He had to be evaluated by a NICU team and was then taken to the NICU. I didn’t even get to hold him until his second day of life. That already caused a road block to breastfeeding: he was in the NICU for almost 4 days, so we didn’t get any real time together until after 11:30pm on 4/2: and here is an image of that: We came home, introduced him to our pug, and I put him on my breast to stimulate milk.

So grateful to have him in my arms free of tubes and monitors. Home as a family..

Let me backtrack as well, because while he was in the NICU, I asked the doctor specifically if he had tongue tie. Why? BECAUSE I KNEW HE HAD TONGUE TIE. I told my husband so, but he didn’t know what that was, and the NICU said no. AND THEN the day after we were released, his pediatrician also told me no. Tongue tie is CRAZY common: which is very weird. And often un-diagnosed. But I know what it is, and I knew he had it, however for some reason…probably just because I was so beat down from the roller coaster of having my baby in the NICU, I just let the doctors tell me no instead of insisting that he did and it be corrected.

So, we breastfed. And we breastfed. And I screamed, curled my toes, held my breath, cried hysterically, used my contraction breathing all to continue to feed him while I was in some of the most excrutiating pain of my life. My husband was extremely concerned: rightfully so. BUT all these women were telling me on instagram it was normal and it would get better. So, for TWO WEEKS, I screamed and I cried. Then 2 weeks later for our check up, the SAME peditricaion looked at the same baby and his same tongue and said “Oh it looks like he has a little tongue tie.”

THIS is a problem because for 2 weeks, my son did not learn how to, nor could he properly breast-feed. Simultaneously, the pain I was experiencing is known as Vasospam. Basically: he started causing nerve damage in my nipples and breasts.  I was getting shooting pains in my breasts even when not feeding. NOTHING could touch my nipples AT ANY TIME. I was NOT bleeding or cracked or any of that. But the pain was unbearable. 

We rushed the referral to get his tie fixed…

AND THAT WENT SO HORRIBLY BAD.

I can’t even revisit it, it was so traumatic for us: everyone says it’s this quick routine procedure: well, not for my son. Let’s just say, it’s been two weeks and the surgeon still calls regularly to check in. :(

THIS is a problem because now my son has a physical trauma to his mouth and jaw. As a body worker I am aware that subconsciously our bodies hold on to all trauma we experience. We don’t realize it: but it’s true. When the procedure was done and I went to breast-feed I assumed we were in the clear.  Unfortunately, it only got worse. My son from the moment we got home, for over 24 hours did NOT leave my breasts. He slept on them, nursed on them, pacified himself on them. He would not remove himself from my nipples. And proceeded to cause even more damage because the procedure didn’t create the “Immediate” relief everyone talked about.

The trauma, and pain from the procedure, prevented him from opening his mouth wide to get a good latch.  I was advised over a virtual consult with a lactation consultant (because COVID it had to be over the computer) to take a break from breastfeeding and let my nipples heal and let his mouth heal. During THOSE days I ended up developing something that felt like Thrush: my nipples stung,  I had deep shooting pains again in my breasts. It honestly felt like sandpaper was being rubbed on my breasts and nipples at all times.  I  couldn’t even HOLD my son they hurt so badly.

I finally reached out to my network to see who would be willing to do an in-person visit. Thankfully one of my friends found a company close by that would! So we scheduled her for the next day.  Having a person come in IN PERSON to watch and  put their (gloved) hands on you and baby is IMPERATIVE, and helped us so much. 

Because of those two weeks, I don’t know how breastfeeding is supposed to feel: when we latched him on, she asked if I was in pain and I honestly didn’t know if I was.  The consultant told me I must have a high pain threshold because when we took him off, my nipples were flat and slanted showing compression (hi vasospasm).  We kept working on stuff and when she left we all had high hopes. Until that night when I tried to latch him and it didn’t work. There was pain, and a lot of crying: both from my son and myself. So, she came back the next day. We made sure he was hungry and more awake than the day before. Thankfully because of that she was able to notice he just isn’t sucking. He’s basically taking his tongue and CHOMPING on whatever is in his mouth. It takes forever for him to establish a strong suck, and he looses it after a few seconds, his tongue quivers from fatigue and back to chomping he goes.

I have to pump every 2 hours around the clock: which is beyond exhausting, because even when he goes a good 4 hours stretch at night, or naps for 2-3 hours, I’m not able to rest. We were instructed to not use pacifiers, but by the second night it was not an option because our pinkies were not placating him enough.  So we are back to pacifiers and still using our pinky fingers for me to see how his tongue is doing. She also suggested us going to a different ENT: which we did yesterday. I was hoping there would be a big CLICK and we’d be able to breastfeed. That did not happen.

The doctor put his hands in Luca’s mouth and his wound started bleeding. The doctor said he heard a “pop” which is good and told me to nurse. I was SO nervous, but went ahead and tried. And sure enough as we took him off: my nipple was compressed again.

We now have to do tongue stretching 3x a day for 3 weeks. Thankfully, he does not need another  procedure as he won’t have any speech issues.  

My hopes now are that in 2.5 weeks we can have our lactation consultant come back and we can get my son on the breast successfully without causing damage to my nipples.

It has been the most draining and disheartening experience: All I wanted was to erase the trauma of having our baby taken from us at birth and spending the first few days with strangers in a beeping room and blissfully breasted. Instead, we are on this long journey. BUT I HAVE HOPE-or at least am clinging to it for dear life. I have two stories of women who didn’t get their babies to breastfeed until they were 7 and 9 weeks. Luca is currently 5 weeks.

I knew breastfeeding would be hard, that wasn’t a surprise to me. But it shouldn’t have been THIS hard. IF IT HURTS YOU PLEASE GET HELP. Do not let anyone: friends, mom, sister, ANYONE tell you it’ll get better. That they, too, screamed and cried and curled their toes: if they did that, there was also something wrong with their baby’s latch. And if you have a feeling, or know like I did, that your child has tie: be adamant with your doctor. 

I’d be lying if I didn’t say I cry about this a lot. I hook myself up to the pump and I feel anger and frustration. My baby cries to bed fed so dad gives him a bottle while I am being uncomfortably sucked on by some stupid machine. It’s depressing. I am terrified this won’t ever work, that his tongue just won’t ever suck on my breast properly and I’ll have to pump for the next year. I feel like a failure for not speaking up about his tie earlier, I feel broken when I think back on those moments after giving birth and how I didn’t get to see or hold him. I have cried a lot, and I am sure I will cry more. I am crying as I type this. But I also am determined. I don’t care how long it takes, or how many times we have to try: I am determined to be able to breastfeed and I hope and pray everyday that we will figure it out: without damaging my breasts or causing more trauma to Luca’s mouth. So those are my hopes, my dreams, and my fears.