"Normal" doesn't mean "Not Hard AF."
After being a mama, and working in the birthing space for a while, I have come across the same things over and over that so many women (including myself) didn’t know before having a baby. Here are a few important little tid bits I wish more women knew:
One in three women will have a cesarean section. I realized after working in the birthing space, so many women were shocked that they ended up having a C Section, and for many…it was one that was pushed upon them after they were made to feel like they weren’t “doing it right” or in labor fast enough. I want to make it clear to you: that unless you are home, you are having a medicalized birth. Birthing centers are not this like “happy medium” between a home birth and a hospital birth. It’s basically a hospital birth in a more pleasant setting. ASK your doctor what their C Section rate is, ask your midwife what their transfer rate is, research the hospital online. While many cesareans are emergencies, there are a fair share that happen because doctors and hospitals are in BUSINESS and they want your room open for another patient. Shocking, I know. But just go into this aware.
You will not get sleep...like probably for at least 14 months. There are sleep progressions, the fact that your baby gets hungry…etc. And you’ll think something is wrong with you or wrong with your baby. Even if you “sleep train” there will be times that all goes out the window. Not only do you need to KNOW and UNDERSTAND you will NOT get sleep for an extremely long period of time, you need to also accept that having this knowledge isn’t going to make it any easier. You will undoubtedly google “why won’t my baby sleep” and things like that hoping for a magic pill…but there is not one. This leads to the next few points:
Most likely, you and your partner will sleep in different rooms for a while. Because:
You’ll co-sleep. YEP. I wish this was talked about more, but because we are told co-sleeping is dangerous, I find women are ashamed to admit they co-sleep. So here you go guys: I co-slept with Luke on my chest on our couch for the first …honestly, it’s all such a blur I can’t even remember…but for a long time. And once he was able to sleep at night without being on me, naps were still ON me, and for an entire month I had to keep my nipple in his mouth for him to sleep. When I shared that he and I were sleeping together, HUNDREDS of women reached out that that’s the only way they survived the newborn period. One of my friends even told me her pediatrician admitted SHE co-slept. Co-sleeping itself is not unsafe: you CAN co sleep safely. This is also why often times you and your partner won’t sleep in the same room. Don’t be frustrated or feel like you’re doing something wrong: DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME SLEEP! Most babies will sleep a little longer ON a parent than not. I was able to get an extra hour when we co-slept. And there are often early mornings now when he wakes for a 5/6am feeding that he will REFUSE to go back to his bed and needs to be held. That will often grant me another 2-4 hours of sleep if he stays away from my boobs.
Your baby will want to be held and with you constantly: so if you’re like “No I have to like do stuff…” 1. Get over that. Especially the first 40 days you shouldn’t be doing ANYTHING but caring for the baby. Your support system needs to take care of you and the house etc. The other thing you can do which is SO HELPFUL and I wish I had done it sooner: WEAR YOUR BABY! The Solly Wrap is amazing and soft and they can just snuggle up on your chest in their diaper for some skin to skin and be happy for HOURS. And you can have your arms free!
**I always remind myself and other mamas: Your baby spent 9 months (more or less) warm and cozy in your womb- so now they’re out in this HUGE world…they still are going to want that same security. Infants are biologically designed for survival, and they know they are safe if they are ON and WITH their parent.
The first 12 weeks are just a cluster, and the first year you’re just trying to survive. The end.
If you have a job: your performance will suffer postpartum. I cannot tell you how many mom’s have told me that they are NOTICEABLY worse at their jobs now that they have babies, most of them don’t care, some do and it’s just what happens. Your attention is divided in a way it never has been before and…you aren’t sleeping.
Breastfeeding, like giving birth, may be natural but it’s EXTREMELY difficult. You all know my struggles. I hear all the time “But it’s natural…” Yes, it is…but so is giving birth. And there was NOT ONE THING about giving birth that was easy. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, even though it’s the most natural thing I’ve ever done. Please know, your milk may take 5 days to come in, you may have supply issues, your baby may have a tie (google that in advance so you know what to look for), you may just hate it. Formula is great!! Pumping is great! All that matters is you do what works for YOU and YOUR BABY. Breastfeeding is harder for most women than not.
Most importantly: While all of this is normal and what you should know getting into it-that isn’t going to make it any easier. Being sleep deprived is something I cannot explain to anyone that isn’t a parent. Not getting sleep because you are tending to your child is a different experience than anything else. You will get desperate. You will be CONVINCED something is wrong with you or your baby. REMEMBER you are BOTH perfect and wonderful and you’re doing your best and that is all you can do.
Proof I co-slept forever:
